Sunday, May 8, 2011

Getting what you want

"I think it is always really hard to get what you have always ever wanted if you can still remember how hard it was to see everyone around you getting that thing while you were left wanting. I always secretly hated those people who got what I wanted. The hatred didn't last long, it was just a quick feeling of jealousy and sadness. I know this is considered coveting and it is an actual commandment that I am breaking. I get it, I break the commandments. I am working on it. Whenever I tell Lincoln "so and so is pregnant" all I really want him to say is, "those jerks, didn't they know we have been trying longer. How inconsiderate of them to get pregnant first!" However, I have a very kind hearted husband who happens to know what is on my mind when I tell him these things and instead tells me, "that's great, they will make wonderful parents." He then says, "was that the right thing for me to say?" This is seriously what goes on time and time again after each pregnancy I hear of. He is trying to tame the beast. The only reason I know how hard it is to get something that you always wanted, like I mentioned at the beginning of this post, is because I am married. I remember wanting to be married and having such a hard time figuring out how to fit my plans into the life that I had..."

I was looking back at my archives of this blog, and I came across this post that I never finished. I have many posts that I started, but never published for fear of embarrassment. I always seem to share too much and when it comes time to post it, I freeze. I promise, I write so much more than what this blog has shown, but I seem to make posts like the one you just read far too often. I am sharing this now, because it doesn't seem as embarrassing to me anymore.

I never want to forget that deep desire I had to have a baby. I wanted it SO bad, and before that, I wanted to be married to a wonderful husband. The other day, my mom and I were talking and she pointed out that all my dreams have basically come true. I don't know what I did to get these things. I am so grateful and humbled to have my beautiful son and husband. There will always be things that we want, but we can't forget to look back and realize what we have gotten. It makes me so sad to think about all the dear friends I have lost due to our circumstances in life. We just have different things we are working on right now and we don't seem to fit into each others lives. And just as my old post says, I know there are a few of you who might wonder why I got what you want. I know I had a hard time with the girls before me who got the things I wanted. Lincoln doesn't get why girls do that to each other. Why we just can't be happy for one another and not bothered that we are not living the other person's life. I don't know if it the desire to live the other person's life so much, as it is living our life with the blessings that we so badly want. I don't know why I have a wonderful husband and a son and so many other amazing women are waiting to be wives and mothers. I don't take anything for granted. I realize that I could so easily be alone left wanting.

On this mother's day, my first official mother's day, I am reminded of how special my baby is. I am reminded by my old post of how badly I wanted him. I hope I will never forget that desire and the honor it is to be a mother. I know the time I had waiting for my boys made me a stronger person. Hopefully a better mom and a more loving wife. I know that our Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us. I don't know all the reasons why I have the path he has laid out for me. I know that through him all things are possible. I love where my life has taken me, even if I had to wait awhile. I know that it was worth the wait. Funny enough, I only wrote this post one month before I got pregnant with Clark. I guess we just never know what is right around the corner.

Happy Mother's Day.


Taryn said...

Well, Mallory, I must say that you really should post more of your writing on here. You are a great writer and should never feel ashamed of how you feel or what you think. I am obviously one who just puts out all my emotions and while it may be a bad thing it is a great way for me to release! Your thoughts reminded me of one of my favorite quotes. It is so hard to wait for the good things in life, but eventually they will come to all of us. Heavenly Father really does want us to be happy :)

Now for the quote:
Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for. Epicurus

Sarah said...

I wish you would write more on your blog like this because it's real. It's you. I feel closer to you. I love this post. I'm even using it in my blog post today because you wrote about what is on my mind. I can't help but think of all the friends I have who can't get pregnant or are really struggling with it. I wish I had something comforting to say to them and then I saw your post and there were the comforting words I was looking for. Of all the things I've watched you go through . . . waiting to get married was hard, wasn't it? But I'm so over joyed that it happened and to such a great guy. And who knew little Clark would come along so quickly (even though at the time it didn't feel fast). I'm just so happy to watch your family grow. I just love you so much! Happy Mother's Day!

Candace said...

Love this post. Love you. Congrats on being a mom - Clark is such an adorable baby. I hope you had a wonderful mother's day!

Serena Cherry said...

I am truly so happy for you. Hooray for all of your dreams coming true!! And you are so beautiful. Really, Mallory, you are stunning. Clark is one lucky man. I am so happy that you married Lincoln and have such a beautiful family. It is amazing how we get used to disappointment, and forget how to appreciate what we have now! What a blessing that you got pregnant just one month after writing that, it is incredible! I have friends who just got pregnant after years and YEARS of trying. What a tender mercy of the Lord to get what we truly want.

Mark, Stacy, & Jack said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it's great to hear. I wish we were closer so we could see you guys more often. Clark is getting so big and is such a cutie! What a lucky mom you are.

Rachel said...

Mallory, I'm so glad I found your blog :) I'm excited to catch up with you by reading it. Today you have reminded me to be more grateful and consider thatmany of the blessings I have are things I longed for all my life :) I love yor writing :) Clark is adorable!