"I think it is always really hard to get what you have always ever wanted if you can still remember how hard it was to see everyone around you getting that thing while you were left wanting. I always secretly hated those people who got what I wanted. The hatred didn't last long, it was just a quick feeling of jealousy and sadness. I know this is considered coveting and it is an actual commandment that I am breaking. I get it, I break the commandments. I am working on it. Whenever I tell Lincoln "so and so is pregnant" all I really want him to say is, "those jerks, didn't they know we have been trying longer. How inconsiderate of them to get pregnant first!" However, I have a very kind hearted husband who happens to know what is on my mind when I tell him these things and instead tells me, "that's great, they will make wonderful parents." He then says, "was that the right thing for me to say?" This is seriously what goes on time and time again after each pregnancy I hear of. He is trying to tame the beast. The only reason I know how hard it is to get something that you always wanted, like I mentioned at the beginning of this post, is because I am married. I remember wanting to be married and having such a hard time figuring out how to fit my plans into the life that I had..."
I was looking back at my archives of this blog, and I came across this post that I never finished. I have many posts that I started, but never published for fear of embarrassment. I always seem to share too much and when it comes time to post it, I freeze. I promise, I write so much more than what this blog has shown, but I seem to make posts like the one you just read far too often. I am sharing this now, because it doesn't seem as embarrassing to me anymore.
I never want to forget that deep desire I had to have a baby. I wanted it SO bad, and before that, I wanted to be married to a wonderful husband. The other day, my mom and I were talking and she pointed out that all my dreams have basically come true. I don't know what I did to get these things. I am so grateful and humbled to have my beautiful son and husband. There will always be things that we want, but we can't forget to look back and realize what we have gotten. It makes me so sad to think about all the dear friends I have lost due to our circumstances in life. We just have different things we are working on right now and we don't seem to fit into each others lives. And just as my old post says, I know there are a few of you who might wonder why I got what you want. I know I had a hard time with the girls before me who got the things I wanted. Lincoln doesn't get why girls do that to each other. Why we just can't be happy for one another and not bothered that we are not living the other person's life. I don't know if it the desire to live the other person's life so much, as it is living our life with the blessings that we so badly want. I don't know why I have a wonderful husband and a son and so many other amazing women are waiting to be wives and mothers. I don't take anything for granted. I realize that I could so easily be alone left wanting.
On this mother's day, my first official mother's day, I am reminded of how special my baby is. I am reminded by my old post of how badly I wanted him. I hope I will never forget that desire and the honor it is to be a mother. I know the time I had waiting for my boys made me a stronger person. Hopefully a better mom and a more loving wife. I know that our Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us. I don't know all the reasons why I have the path he has laid out for me. I know that through him all things are possible. I love where my life has taken me, even if I had to wait awhile. I know that it was worth the wait. Funny enough, I only wrote this post one month before I got pregnant with Clark. I guess we just never know what is right around the corner.
Happy Mother's Day.